From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had sweet visions of holding my precious newborn to my chest and bonding with him as he ate for the first time. Breastfeeding was never an option for me, it was something that I'd known I was going to do from the get go, and I looked forward to it as my due date approached. I prepared myself by taking a class at Clovis Community, watching YouTube videos on how to achieve a proper latch, and talking to other seasoned mamas about their experiences. The common themes I learned from my sources were that 1. breastfeeding is the most natural bonding experience between a mother and her baby, 2. if it hurts, it's because you do not have a proper latch, and 3. that it only gets better with time. Oh, not to mention that breastfeeding is a killer calorie burner AND you get to eat whatever you want, because you need those extra calories for your milk supply. I was looking forward to everything about breastfeeding, and didn't understand why in the world anyone would ever give their perfect, new baby formula. Well, I now know...
My first time feeding Drew was an incredible moment that I'll never forget. The hell we'd both been through (aka labor) faded away the moment I put him on my breast and he began suckling as we gazed into one another's eyes. Yes, breastfeeding was everything I had dreamed it would be and more.
The rest of the day went great, and I fed him every hour or two between visitors. Since I couldn't get out of bed, because I was recovering from a c section, I opted to sleep with the baby on my chest in a reclined position the first night (more skin to skin with my boy? Yes, please). I hadn't slept a wink in nearly 3 days, and was being heavily medicated every 4 hours, so when the baby would wake every hour to eat the whole 'proper latch' thing went out the window.
In the morning, my nipples were sore, and beginning to crack. I suddenly remembered the crappy latch from the night before, so I called in a lactation specialist that the hospital provided in hopes that she could 'fix me.' After showing her my latch, she said I was doing it perfectly and that it shouldn't hurt if I kept doing it just like I showed her. The only problem with her advice, and that of every other lactation specialist that I saw was that it DID hurt, even with the 'proper latch' I had mastered. It hurt every.single.time. BUT, at this point it was totally bearable, so I kept on truckin.
That night, another lactation specialist came in to see me one last time, since I was being discharged in the morning. I decided to ask, once again, if my latch was good, because my nipples continued to crack and the pain was getting worse. Expecting her response to be the same as all the others ('it shouldn't hurt. Blah blah blah), I was shocked when she let out a small chuckle and shook her head. 'Sweetie, it's going to hurt like hell no matter how perfect you're latch is. It's only going to get worse, but give it 6 weeks and it will start getting better.' Even though I didn't like what she had to say (6 weeks? Are you kidding me?), I was thrilled that finally someone was being honest with me.
My milk came in the day after I got home, and I remember smiling proudly as I looked at myself in the mirror. Quoting Ron Burgundy I yelled to Andrew 'Hey, come and see how good I look.' Yes, Rhea Parton had arrived.
***TMI starts here.***
By the time Drew was 4 days old, my nipples were completely cracked open and raw. My right nipple (which was inverted to begin with) was hardly recognizable. He was still eating every 2 hours on my raw, bloody nipples. It was disgusting. I called the lactation specialist to make sure I could keep feeding him with my nipples in the condition they were. She said no matter how bad they got to keep feeding him, and if I could, pump a few times a day to give them a break.
That night I had a major meltdown. I was depressed, sleep deprived, and in the worst pain of my life... The pain from breastfeeding made my c section incision feel like a paper cut. I was ready to give up, so I decided to call my good friend (more like a big sister), Janae, and without having to say more than a few words, she was on her way over. All I can say is thank God for her, because without her coming to the rescue that night, and numerous times after that, I would have been done breastfeeding.
Janae let me borrow her electric Medela breast pump, and talked me through everything. We concluded that night that I needed to stop taking the pain killers I was prescribed for the c section (they were making me seriously depressed), and that it would be a good idea to start using a nipple shield.
While I thought things would start looking up, they only seemed to get worse over the next few days. I discovered Drew was getting an upset tummy from dairy AND soy, so I had to completely cut it out of my diet (this still sucks). He wouldn't latch on with the nipple shield. My nipples were got so bad, they were literally completely open. On top of all that I got a ridiculously painful infection in my right breast called Mastisis, and had to take an antibiotic to help rid of it. Did you know that if you are taking any antibiotic while you are breastfeeding, you are prone to get a yeast infection that can be passed to your baby? Ya, neither did I until I started to get one. I immediately called my doctor and he prescribed a pill to take, which cleared it up before it got passed on to my boy. Since I had stopped taking all pain medication, my nipples felt like someone was taking a match to them all day, everyday. I hated breastfeeding. I hated that I hated it, but I did. There was nothing 'bonding' or 'natural' about it. In fact, I actually dreaded feeding my sweet boy. It.was.awful.
At this point the pain was unbearable. As I fed Drew, I cried and cried, thinking that I was alone in the house until I heard my husband on the phone. A few minutes later, he came in and told me that we were going to Fresno to see a lactation specialist. I thought the gesture was the sweetest thing, but I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay in my pajamas all day and cry. However, I decided that I would make this my 'last shot' at breastfeeding. If this lady could help me, I'd stick it out, if not, I was done.
As soon as the lactation specialist, Beth, saw my nipples (that were STUCK to the nursing pad with blood), she said that they were some of the worst she'd ever seen, and she was shocked that I hadn't given him formula (this made me feel good about life). Going to Beth saved my breastfeeding dreams. She introduced me to the My Brest Friend pillow, got Drew to eat with the nipple shield on, introduced me to nipples shells (instead of using nursing pads), and gave me a million tips on how to help them heal. I met with her twice a week for the next month, and things kept getting better and better.
After nearly three weeks of using the nipple shields I was ready to wean from them (cleaning them was a pain in the ass). Without the shields the excruciating pain was back (my nipples were better, but they were still pretty raw). By the end of the week, they were beginning to callous, and feeding was becoming somewhat enjoyable.
It was WEEK 6, that I could officially say the pain was nearly gone (just like the lady at the hospital told me it would be). In the beginning I could not picture breastfeeding ever getting easier, but now, 4 months later, I can vouch that it does. Now, there is no pain during feedings and I truly get to enjoy and appreciate the bonding experience that it provides. There is nothing that melts my heart faster than watching my perfect boy drift off to sleep or gaze lovingly into my eyes as he eats and fills his little belly. It really makes those late night/early morning feedings something to look forward to. Here are a few tips I learned along the way, and my breastfeeding faves...
Tips:
1. Don't give up. If it's really bad, give it 6 weeks, and I promise it will get better.
2. Use 100% lanolin after every feeding.
3. Go topless. If your nipples are cracked and raw, the quickest way for them to heal is exposing them to the air. Your husband will appreciate this. Oh, and don't forget to shut the blinds.
4. Invest in a good breast pump. Pumping sucks, but it's a lot better when you have a quick, efficient pump on your side.
5. Get the My Brest Friend nursing pillow. The boppy is good for other things, but fails miserably in comparison to the MBF when it comes to nursing.
6. Use a nipple shield if you need to. They were a life saver. Yes, weaning from it is another challenge, but it's not that hard.
7. Disposable nursing pads suck when your nipples are raw and bloody. Do yourself a favor and get the Medela Soft Shells instead. You can thank me later.
8. Consult the help of a lactation specialist if you feel helpless. Trust me, they have the answer for everything and will make sure you are able to breastfeed your precious baby, no matter how bad your situation is.
9. Lecithin. One of the reasons I got Mastitis is because of plugged milk ducts. Taking lecithin 3 times a day will help ensure your ducts don't get clogged.
10. Vitanica Lactation Blend, Fenugreek, and Mother's Milk Tea. I was always stressing out about whether or not I was producing enough milk. If you think you aren't producing enough, take 2 Vitanica Lactation Blend capsules 2 times a day, and 1 fenugreek capsule 3 times a day. Oh, and drink Mother's Milk tea at least once a day. So far, I've had plenty of milk.
11. Don't beat yourself up. If you really want to breastfeed and can't, it's not the end of the world. Formula is perfectly fine for your baby. If you don't want to breastfeed in the first place, that doesn't make you a 'bad' mom. Whatever you choose, or have to do, just know that you are a good mama. Never doubt that or let anyone make you second guess your decisions.
12. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you in your journey. My mom and Andrew begged me to quit and give him formula, because they hated seeing me in pain. If it wasn't for them and my friends supporting me and cheering me on, I would have given up. Having a good support system is half the battle.
13. Quiet you're mind by Zac Brown Band. My husband introduced me to this song during one of my many breakdowns. Like it says: Soak it all in, it's a game you can't win. Enjoy the ride...
