Two.

DREW IS TWO!

Weight: 25ish pounds (we go to the doctor on the 15th)

Height: At least 33 inches. I know this because you had to be at least 32 inches to ride Autopia at Disneyland and you exceeded the sign by an inch, if not more.

Clothing size: 24 months in sets / 2T in shirts / 18 months in pants / 7 shoes

Potty Training: You are just about there, little man. You are still trying to figure out how to use the pull ups, but as far as the potty goes, you have it completely mastered. So proud of you!

Eating: You are exactly like your dad when it comes to eating... you love everything, but you are rarely hungry and have zero interest in sitting down to eat. There are days where your only source of food comes from me chasing you around, shoving it in your mouth every chance I get. You boys!

Sleep: You have been sleeping through the night since you were 15 months old, right around the time dad and I got a little bit of our sanity back. :)

Milestones: Seriously? What aren't you doing these days? You communicate with us so well; most of the time in complete, understandable sentences, but every now and then you'll get really passionate about something and go off on a rant in a language only you understand. You count to twelve- yes, twelve- often times only counting the odd numbers, which we find strange incredible. You love knowing what everything is and ask us 'Wasssat ting?' close to a hundred times a day. You are such a parrot and repeat e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g we say. Everything. We have to ask you questions over and over again until you finally realize we want an answer, at which point you'll give us. The other day I asked you 'what color is this?' only to have you repeat 'color is dis?'. Finally after the fifth time asking (and you repeating) you said 'ohhhh. issss bue.' You make us laugh, Drew. As far as physical development, you have grown leaps and bounds this year. You have gotten so much taller, and are such a great little athlete. You began doing summersalts at about 15 months, at which point I immediately called to put you into a gymnastics class in Hanford. We go every Tuesday and you absolutely love it. You are currently learning how to do a back roll. You have all of your teeth and are currently cutting your two year molars.

Holidays/Events: You were a monkey this year for Halloween and dad & I were bananas. We took you to Disneyland last week (12/4-5) and you absolutely loved it. The image of your eyes lit up with wonder will be engrained in my heart & soul forever.

Dislikes: Sticky hands. Things out of order. When the dogs eat your food. Getting out of the bath. Sleeping with blankets.

Loves: Making people laugh. Spiderman. Jake and the Neverland Pirates. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Motorcycles. Grandparents. Cars. Trucks. Singing (Jingle Bells is your current fave). Fruit ropes. Mandarin oranges. Hot dogs. Dark chocolate. Drinking coffee (hot chocolate) when you wake up. Looking at Christmas lights. 'Driving'. Bath time. Gymnastics. Jumping on your bed. Jumping on anything. Bubby the Elf. Balloons. Outside. Drawing.


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Dear Drew,

I know it sounds cliche to say 'I can't believe it,' but I just really can't. You are two, sweet boy. Two.

The past two years of your life have been the absolute best of mine. Your dad & I are completely infatuated with you, and here are a few reasons why.

You are fierce. Everything you do, you do wholeheartedly with a passion like I've never seen. The simple act of walking is rarely an option these days. If you have a place you want to go, you run your fastest to get there, arms swinging forcefully. And don't even get me started on your love for play-wrestling with your dad. It is easily one of my favorite sights to see. Your scrunched up 'wrestle face' is one for the books. You go full speed in all that you do and I hope you never stop.

Your passion for life is infectious. My dream for you is to do something one day that will allow you to fuel that passion, not dim it.

You are vocal. From knowing how to say a handful of words to communicating with us in complete sentences, you are coming close to mastering this whole speaking thing. A few of my favorite sentences that you've said clearly are 1.) 'Broccoli smells like farts' (you can thank your dad for that one) 2.) 'Mama turn on hot water peez' (it was one of your longest to date and it sounded so sweet and grown up) AND 3.) 'I love you, so much, so much' (I just die every time). I will never tire of listening to you speak, Drew Cohen, it is my favorite sound in the world.

Our words are one of our most powerful tools in this life. I pray you never underestimate the power of your voice; what you have to say is worth hearing. Always rember that.

You are kind. You say please & thank you. You bow your head to pray. You give hugs and kisses if you think someone is sad or hurt. You say your sorry. You care for everything around you, even the plants and animals. One of my fondest memories of you this year is the day you found a snail in the backyard. I am terrified of snails, so when you picked it up I ran away screaming and begged 'no, no, put it down.' You got a kick out of my terror, and then after a few moments I could tell that you were bothered by the fact that I was scared of such a disgusting harmless creature. You gently grabbed my hand and said 'isss okay. Mama do it?' and you softly placed the snail on the top of my hand against my will. As much as I wanted to flick it off and scream, I kept it there because the look of satisfaction in your eyes was worth it. You had helped me overcome a fear of mine and you knew it. You just want everyone to be loved and be happy. Your heart is the purest of them all.

Kindness changes attitudes, changes lives, and has the power to change the world. Be kind at all costs and you will always win no matter what the outcome may be.

......

Drew. I could spend all day writing out individual traits about you that I adore, because I love every single thing about you.  Being your mom is my greatest joy, my finest accomplishment, my hearts desire. You are all my dreams come to life.

The greatest display of God's love for me is you.

I love you so much, handsome. You have displayed nothing but patience, grace, and love towards your dad and I as we've navigated through our first years of parenthood; failing miserably many times. You have taught us so much about life and the way that we should live it, and opened our eyes to a whole new world we never knew existed. Thank you.

You are a treasure from heaven, Drew Cohen. I can't wait to see all that year two has in store for you.

I love you to the moon, little buddy.

xo Mama

How lucky I am.

On July 5th I got a positive pregnancy test after 3 cycles of trying to conceive. We were ecstatic. Andrew and Drew are both December babies, and me and this new little peanut were going to share March as our birth month...it was going to be perfect! Within the week we told family and close friends, and their excitement was overwhelming. Since I had found out so early, I had to wait three weeks before my first doctors appt. To make time go a bit faster, I asked my friend Ashley to take 'big brother' pics of Drew, and a few bump pics every 4 weeks so that I could properly document this pregnancy (the only pics I had being pregnant with Drew were bathroom selfies- half of which the toilet seat was up).

After what seemed like forever, it was finally time for our first appt. We were nervous, but so relieved to see our perfect little dot of a baby with a bright flickering heartbeat. My doctor turned up the volume so we could hear the galloping sound of our babies beating heart. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of life, especially when it's nestled snug inside of you. Baby measured 6w1d and looked healthy as can be, so we scheduled an appt for exactly 3 weeks later, and after a stop at Target, we headed home.

The following week passed slowly, that is, until one of my very best friends, Karissa, text me a picture of her positive pregnancy test! She had recently gone through a miscarriage, so this was huge, and I was so, so excited! Talks of baby names, nursery designs, and announcement ideas brought me quickly into week 8 of my pregnancy. Baby was now the size of a raspberry, and since there was still a heartbeat, my chance of miscarriage dropped to less than 5%.

I'm typically a pretty private person. I'm not huge on sharing personal, life events through social media, only because it feels so impersonal and disconnected, but I had the cutest announcement picture of Drew reading a 'big brother' book, and less than 5% seemed like pretty good odds, so I decided to share our exciting news with everyone through Instagram. The response from everyone was overwhelming. I'm not a crier, but I actually cried at how many people truly loved and supported us and we're genuinely happy for our family.

Something I was so against doing ended up feeling more right than anything. Now, looking back, I think it was God's way of setting me up to be open and honest with those I'm not comfortable being open and honest with- myself included. His way of pushing me out of my comfort zone. His way of growing me, tearing down my previous boundaries, and making new ones.

Two days after I posted our pregnancy announcement, Karissa miscarried her precious baby. My heart was shattered. It just didn't make sense. Why her? Why twice in a row? With each tear of sorrow I cried for her, I cried a tear of thankfulness for the precious life growing perfectly inside of me.

After that, week 8 seemed to fly by. Maybe it was the exhaustion of knowing someone I loved was in more emotional pain than I could begin to imagine, or maybe it was the anticipation of my quickly approaching 9w1d appointment. Either way, Monday rolled around and I felt like an 5 year old on Christmas Eve. I could hardly sleep I was so excited.

Andrew decided to stay and work, since this was just a basic, routine appt. We already knew the baby had a heartbeat. I'd had no signs of anything alarming, and the chances of anything going wrong now were between 2-3%. I picked up my mom, and we headed to Fresno, arriving right on time for my appointment. They called me back right away, and within five minutes she began doing the ultrasound. I immediately saw our perfect, much larger than last time baby, with it's huge head, tiny little arm and leg nubs. It looked exactly like Drew had at that gestation, but after a few seconds I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. The baby wasn't moving, at all, and I couldn't see a flicker of anything where the heart should have been. Before my mind could race too far, I felt my doctor softly touch my leg, and I knew. She didn't have to say a word, but I listened as she spoke as tenderly as she knew how. 'I'm not seeing a heartbeat right now, Rhea. I'm so sorry.' The room went silent. I stared at my perfect little green olive, measuring exactly 9w1d. I didn't understand.

She explained to me that she was 99.9% positive it was a heart defect, as the 9th week is most common for things of that sort to surface. But, I didn't care. I didn't care what it was. I would have given it my heart. I would have done anything. I still would. I just wanted it back. I prayed that God would intervene, that it would miraculously start beating again, and I believed with every fiber of my being that it would. But, it didn't. It was oner, and I was crushed.


The rest of the day consisted of crying more tears than I had ever cried in my entire life combined. I felt sorry for Andrew, for Drew, and for myself. I begged God to give our baby back to us. I didn't care if it had something wrong with it or not, I wanted this baby, the one inside of me this very second. I didn't understand.

The image of my perfect baby has yet to leave my mind, and I know that it never will. Whether my eyes are opened or closed, it's all that I can see. I woke up three times throughout the night wondering if maybe it had all been a dream, but I knew deep down it wasn't.

I will soon be having a D&C done to bring this journey to a close. Much different than the ending I had hoped for, which consisted of me snuggling a tiny, warm newborn in my arms. The only comfort I have throughout all of this is knowing without a shadow of a doubt that when I leave this Earth I will be greeted by the most beautiful baby boy or girl at the gates of Heaven. Until then, I'll miss and think of you every single day.




I think we all live as if we're invincible. I know I do, anyways. I make plans for next week and next year because I KNOW that I'm going to be here. Some nights I go to bed in the middle of a fight with someone I love, because I KNOW that we'll both wake up in the morning. I plan exactly when I want to have my babies, because I KNOW that I can get pregnant when I feel like it. When I'm pregnant I plan out names and nurseries, because I KNOW that I'm going to deliver a perfectly healthy baby at 40 weeks. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that the only thing I KNOW is that I don't know anything past this exact moment, and as scary as that is, it's okay.

We are all guilty of getting caught up in the petty things, especially when it comes to pregnancy and babies.
I don't want a baby during the holidays, because who wants to share their birthday with Christmas.
I want a girl because I already have a boy.
I want a boy because I already have a girl.
How dare she name her kid that, that was my name!
I hope the baby has blue eyes.
I hope it has curly hair.
You get the picture, I could go on for days.

Before this, I was guilty of stressing over similar things, and for that I'm utterly ashamed. I'd give anything for my baby to just be alive like it was three days ago. I'd give anything to see Drew run and play with his baby brother or sister years from now. Anything.

I don't know why these things happen, but I do know that if me going through this means one less person has to know the devastation and gut wrenching heartache losing a baby brings, then so be it. I have never experienced such excruciating pain in my life, and my heart goes out to all of you who can relate.

I used to question why bad things happen to good people, but I now realize that being a good person does not make you a better person. It doesn't make you immune to the hardships and trials life throws at us. It doesn't re route your path when it begins to get rough and windy. We don't get a badge of honor or a plaque of acknowledgment. The only privilege to facing the bad as a good person is perception. We see the light. Maybe not right away, maybe not even within seeing distance, but we know it's there. And because of the good within us, we will find it.