How lucky I am.

On July 5th I got a positive pregnancy test after 3 cycles of trying to conceive. We were ecstatic. Andrew and Drew are both December babies, and me and this new little peanut were going to share March as our birth month...it was going to be perfect! Within the week we told family and close friends, and their excitement was overwhelming. Since I had found out so early, I had to wait three weeks before my first doctors appt. To make time go a bit faster, I asked my friend Ashley to take 'big brother' pics of Drew, and a few bump pics every 4 weeks so that I could properly document this pregnancy (the only pics I had being pregnant with Drew were bathroom selfies- half of which the toilet seat was up).

After what seemed like forever, it was finally time for our first appt. We were nervous, but so relieved to see our perfect little dot of a baby with a bright flickering heartbeat. My doctor turned up the volume so we could hear the galloping sound of our babies beating heart. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of life, especially when it's nestled snug inside of you. Baby measured 6w1d and looked healthy as can be, so we scheduled an appt for exactly 3 weeks later, and after a stop at Target, we headed home.

The following week passed slowly, that is, until one of my very best friends, Karissa, text me a picture of her positive pregnancy test! She had recently gone through a miscarriage, so this was huge, and I was so, so excited! Talks of baby names, nursery designs, and announcement ideas brought me quickly into week 8 of my pregnancy. Baby was now the size of a raspberry, and since there was still a heartbeat, my chance of miscarriage dropped to less than 5%.

I'm typically a pretty private person. I'm not huge on sharing personal, life events through social media, only because it feels so impersonal and disconnected, but I had the cutest announcement picture of Drew reading a 'big brother' book, and less than 5% seemed like pretty good odds, so I decided to share our exciting news with everyone through Instagram. The response from everyone was overwhelming. I'm not a crier, but I actually cried at how many people truly loved and supported us and we're genuinely happy for our family.

Something I was so against doing ended up feeling more right than anything. Now, looking back, I think it was God's way of setting me up to be open and honest with those I'm not comfortable being open and honest with- myself included. His way of pushing me out of my comfort zone. His way of growing me, tearing down my previous boundaries, and making new ones.

Two days after I posted our pregnancy announcement, Karissa miscarried her precious baby. My heart was shattered. It just didn't make sense. Why her? Why twice in a row? With each tear of sorrow I cried for her, I cried a tear of thankfulness for the precious life growing perfectly inside of me.

After that, week 8 seemed to fly by. Maybe it was the exhaustion of knowing someone I loved was in more emotional pain than I could begin to imagine, or maybe it was the anticipation of my quickly approaching 9w1d appointment. Either way, Monday rolled around and I felt like an 5 year old on Christmas Eve. I could hardly sleep I was so excited.

Andrew decided to stay and work, since this was just a basic, routine appt. We already knew the baby had a heartbeat. I'd had no signs of anything alarming, and the chances of anything going wrong now were between 2-3%. I picked up my mom, and we headed to Fresno, arriving right on time for my appointment. They called me back right away, and within five minutes she began doing the ultrasound. I immediately saw our perfect, much larger than last time baby, with it's huge head, tiny little arm and leg nubs. It looked exactly like Drew had at that gestation, but after a few seconds I got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. The baby wasn't moving, at all, and I couldn't see a flicker of anything where the heart should have been. Before my mind could race too far, I felt my doctor softly touch my leg, and I knew. She didn't have to say a word, but I listened as she spoke as tenderly as she knew how. 'I'm not seeing a heartbeat right now, Rhea. I'm so sorry.' The room went silent. I stared at my perfect little green olive, measuring exactly 9w1d. I didn't understand.

She explained to me that she was 99.9% positive it was a heart defect, as the 9th week is most common for things of that sort to surface. But, I didn't care. I didn't care what it was. I would have given it my heart. I would have done anything. I still would. I just wanted it back. I prayed that God would intervene, that it would miraculously start beating again, and I believed with every fiber of my being that it would. But, it didn't. It was oner, and I was crushed.


The rest of the day consisted of crying more tears than I had ever cried in my entire life combined. I felt sorry for Andrew, for Drew, and for myself. I begged God to give our baby back to us. I didn't care if it had something wrong with it or not, I wanted this baby, the one inside of me this very second. I didn't understand.

The image of my perfect baby has yet to leave my mind, and I know that it never will. Whether my eyes are opened or closed, it's all that I can see. I woke up three times throughout the night wondering if maybe it had all been a dream, but I knew deep down it wasn't.

I will soon be having a D&C done to bring this journey to a close. Much different than the ending I had hoped for, which consisted of me snuggling a tiny, warm newborn in my arms. The only comfort I have throughout all of this is knowing without a shadow of a doubt that when I leave this Earth I will be greeted by the most beautiful baby boy or girl at the gates of Heaven. Until then, I'll miss and think of you every single day.




I think we all live as if we're invincible. I know I do, anyways. I make plans for next week and next year because I KNOW that I'm going to be here. Some nights I go to bed in the middle of a fight with someone I love, because I KNOW that we'll both wake up in the morning. I plan exactly when I want to have my babies, because I KNOW that I can get pregnant when I feel like it. When I'm pregnant I plan out names and nurseries, because I KNOW that I'm going to deliver a perfectly healthy baby at 40 weeks. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that the only thing I KNOW is that I don't know anything past this exact moment, and as scary as that is, it's okay.

We are all guilty of getting caught up in the petty things, especially when it comes to pregnancy and babies.
I don't want a baby during the holidays, because who wants to share their birthday with Christmas.
I want a girl because I already have a boy.
I want a boy because I already have a girl.
How dare she name her kid that, that was my name!
I hope the baby has blue eyes.
I hope it has curly hair.
You get the picture, I could go on for days.

Before this, I was guilty of stressing over similar things, and for that I'm utterly ashamed. I'd give anything for my baby to just be alive like it was three days ago. I'd give anything to see Drew run and play with his baby brother or sister years from now. Anything.

I don't know why these things happen, but I do know that if me going through this means one less person has to know the devastation and gut wrenching heartache losing a baby brings, then so be it. I have never experienced such excruciating pain in my life, and my heart goes out to all of you who can relate.

I used to question why bad things happen to good people, but I now realize that being a good person does not make you a better person. It doesn't make you immune to the hardships and trials life throws at us. It doesn't re route your path when it begins to get rough and windy. We don't get a badge of honor or a plaque of acknowledgment. The only privilege to facing the bad as a good person is perception. We see the light. Maybe not right away, maybe not even within seeing distance, but we know it's there. And because of the good within us, we will find it.

One.

Dear Drew,

You are officially one, sweet boy, and what an incredible first year of life you have lived. 

From the moment you were placed in my arms I knew that life would never be the same. Because of you our days are brighter, our laughter's louder, and our love's stronger than we could have ever imagined.

Somewhere amongst the sleepless nights, homemade purees, and first steps, you transformed from our little 6 lb 11 oz baby into a little boy. A little boy that your dad and I could not be any more proud of. 

It is impossible to put into words the amount of joy you have brought to our lives this past year. You have grown into a nature loving, bird watching, song singing, open mouth kissing, belly laughing, break dancing, doggy door escaping, chair climbing, dog feeding, goldfish eating, mamas boy with your daddy's dimples and a smile that could light up the world.

My handsome boy, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being patient with us this first year as daddy and I navigated through this whole 'parenthood' thing. You made it easy on us. You really did. 

We will never understand how God saw us as worthy of being your parents, but we are so thankful that He did. You are the absolute best thing that has ever happened to us.  You are everything good in the world. Everything good in us.

Happy first birthday, Drew Cohen! May this next year be as amazing as your first. 

We love you so much more than you could ever begin to imagine! 

Mom & Dad

12 Month Stats

Weight: 18ish pounds

Height: 27ish inches (we'll know more at your 1 year check up on the 26th).

Clothing size: 6-12 & 12

Diaper size: size 3, forever. 

Feeding: You will eat just about anything. You aren't a huge fan of sweets (you hardly touched the smash cake at your birthday party), but you love berries of all sorts. Your snack of choice is goldfish or graham crackers- you'd live off of them if I let you. Oh, and you don't want to eat anything unless you are able to feed it to yourself, so mealtime has become quite the mess. We are on our way to weaning you, although you haven't seemed too find of whole milk the three times we've tried to give it to you. Hopefully you'll transition fully soon. 

Milestones: You are talking a lot these days. You say 'hot, mama, dada, hi, ba (ball), woof, and moo.' You blow on your food before taking a bite (you even blew out the candle on your birthday cake). You blow bubbles in the bath, and think it's the coolest thing in the world (so do I). Oh, and you recently started feeding the dogs the food you don't want to eat. Bad boy! 

Loves: The great outdoors- always have, and if you're as similar to your daddy as I think you are, you always will. Playing chase around the couch. Blowing your vovo's whistle. Pops. Throwing the ball to Lovi. Petting Levi. Playing in the bath. Climbing. Goldfish. When daddy comes home from work- you squeal with excitement and run to him to pick you up. And, of course, your mama. It's the best! 

Dislikes: Anything sticky on your hands (peanut butter or frosting). Not being able to go outside without shoes, a jacket, and a hat on. Shoes. Jackets. Hats. When Lovi steals crackers out of your hands. When daddy leaves for work. When we put the cover on the doggy door so you can't escape. When mama tells you no. 

Adventures: Mema and a Pops have a big blow up Santa in their front yard and you love going over to see him. You love the park, and interacting with older kids. Also- story time at the library. I'm taking you this week or next to get your pictures with the real Santa- hope you like him as much as the blow up one! 

Mommy and Daddy could not get through the month without: Energy. Lots and lots of energy was required to keep up with you this past month. ;)

We love you Drew!!!

Six.

Six months. Just writing those words and saying them aloud in my head feels wrong. How did half a year pass by so quickly? It was just yesterday that I saw my sweet boy for the first time. Just yesterday that I snuggled his 6 pound body to my chest and gave him the first kiss of his life. I can still smell him. Still hear his newborn cry. Still feel my heart overflowing with love. It really was just yesterday, wasn't it?

Maybe in reality, 6 precious months have flown by, but in my heart it will always be 'just yesterday'. There will forever be a piece of my heart living in the moment he was placed in my arms, it's clock willingly stuck at 11:51am on December 11, 2012. It's so ironic that a moment in time he will never remember is one that I will never forget.

Watching Drew transform from a tiny, squishy infant into a babbling, laughing, crawling 6 month old has been the greatest joy of my life. The love Andrew and I have for our perfect, sweet boy is out of this world, and continues to grow stronger each and every day. We can only thank God for seeing us as worthy of caring for such an amazing little person.

Drew's 6 Month Update:

Height/Weight: He doesn't have his 6 month checkup until the end of the month, so in the mean time I've been weighing him on the scale with me, which probably is just as good as me throwing a number out there, but whatev. On the scale with me he is weighing around 15 pounds.

Routine: What's that?

Sleeping: Drew is a champion in the sleep department (just like his mama). He has been sleeping through the night for quite some time now. We co sleep at night, but he's been taking his naps in his crib.

Eating: He has been eating a one ounce cube (once a day) of homemade pureed veggies since five months old. I can't wait to start feeding him 3 times a day and introducing him to new foods. Also- I bought one of the mesh feeders the other day and put organic apple in it- he ate it up...literally. He loves food, again... just like his mama.

Sizes: We're in 6-9 month clothes now! As far as diapers go, we're still in size 2.

Personality: Drew is an optimist. An adventurer. A dreamer. A lover. He truly is all things good in life. I have never met a baby as happy as he is. If he doesn't have a smile on his face it's because he is overtired or hungry, which isn't that often. He is such a fun little guy!

Milestones: What isn't Drew doing? Let's see... he is laughing at everything (me, the dogs, the tv, our food... you name it, he thinks it's funny). Crawling everywhere...literally everywhere...it's insane. Pulling himself up on things just started yesterday. It's amazing, yet frightening. While watching him conquer each of these milestones makes my heart overflow with pride, it also makes me sad that he is growing so fast.

What do you do at home ALL day?!?!

Since I've had Drew I seem to get this question quite a bit. Some ask out of genuine curiosity as to how our day unfolds while others are really asking 'how do you not go insane at home, all day, everyday with an infant?'. I decided to outline our daily routine not only for those of you who are interested, but more so as a reminder for myself in the future when the next little nugget comes along. Keep in mind that this is what our ideal days look like.

8:30a
Drew wakes up. He's pretty consistent with his wake up time, which is nice. When he wakes up we spend a good 15 minutes snuggling, chatting, and singing. He's such a happy morning person- I love it! If we had a really good night, I'll get up before him and have some alone time (shower, watch GMA, and sip slowly on some decaf coffee). However, most days I get up when he does.

8:45
Change diaper, put on lotion, comb his hair (his fave), and put on his clothes for the day. If I'm still in my pajamas, I'll go back to bed to feed him, otherwise I'll feed him in the living room.

9-9:20 Drew eats. He's still exclusively breastfed, so this is sometimes shorter, sometimes longer... Ya never know.

9:20-9:35 I'll lay him in his pack n' play with his toys and put on the 'Raffi' pandora station and let him play alone. This is when I eat breakfast, put on workout clothes, brush my teeth, and comb my hair. If it's a day that I woke up earlier and those things are done, I'll do a quick chore.

9:35-10:00 Morning walk. I'll give him a toy and play music on my phone. He loves it!

10-10:30 Mommy & Drew learning time. I have a cute little Munchkin flash card book that I'll do with him. Letters, animals, numbers, colors, shapes...all the basics in English and Spanish (I try my best!). I just prop him up in his Boppy and he is intrigued the whole time. The flash cards only take about 5 minutes, then we'll play with his toys. He's rolling completely over now and figuring out that he can move, so a lot of the time is spent with him experimenting with movement. It's so fun to watch!

10:30-11:15 I'll put Drew in his bouncer in the bathroom while I shower. He loves playing peek a boo, so I'll just poke my head out every few minutes and he thinks it's hilarious. I'll dry off, get dressed, do my makeup, and IF he's still happy in his bouncer I'll blow dry my hair. If not, I let it air dry and that's that.

11:15-11:30 I feed Drew in his room in the glider after I change him. I shut the blinds so it's dark, and he almost always falls asleep for his first nap of the day.

11:30-12:30 Nap/cleaning time. I'll lay him in his crib and he'll sleep anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half (and many times he'll wake up as soon as I lay him down). I take this time to make Andrew and I lunch, make the bed, start some laundry, and pick up around the house. Because his nap times vary, I can either get everything or nothing done. It just depends.

12:30-1:30 Andrew is usually on his lunch break during this time, which is awesome. Whoever gets Drew from his nap will change him and play with him while the other one eats lunch. Then we switch and repeat.

1:30-1:45 I'll put on a tv show that I missed from the night before while I feed Drew in the living room.

1:45-3:00 Since he's usually wide awake, we'll use this time to run errands, pay bills, go to the grocery store, etc. However, if we don't have any of that to do, we'll go see a friend or visit my mom at work for a while.

3-3:30 If Drew is content playing by himself on his play mat, I'll put on my exercise clothes and ride my spin bike until he starts fussing. Otherwise, I'll lay on the floor and do crunches and push ups. If he just wants to be held, I'll do squats while I hold him. If all else fails, we just play.

3:30-4 I'll change him and feed him in his room again. Most days he'll fall asleep again for his second nap.

4-5 While Drew naps, I'll get dinner ready. If he doesn't go down for a nap, I'll put him in his activity saucer in the kitchen with me. Either way, this is when dinner gets prepped.

5-6 Andrew gets home during this time and we eat... Most of the time together at the dinner table while Drew is in his bouncer, but sometimes we have to take turns.

6-6:30 Drew eats in the living room.

6:30-8:00 Daddy and Drew play time. While they play, I clean up the kitchen, and finish any chores that I started but didn't finish. If I didn't get a chance to workout earlier, I'll do it during this time. Some days I don't feel like doing anything but playing with my boys, so on those days I'll do just that.

8:00-8:45 Bath time! We take a bath together, so when Drew is done Andrew will come get him while I relax by myself for a few minutes. He puts on Drews lotion, gives him a massage with baby massage cream (lucky boy!), combs his hair, puts on his jammies, and reads him a story. This gives me time to get myself ready for bed as well, and we're usually done at the same time, so it works really well for us.

8:45-9:15 Drew eats and falls asleep for the night while I pray and sing to him. This is my favorite part of our day :)

9:15-10 If we're not too tired Andrew and I will have some alone time while Drew sleeps. We usually sit and talk or just watch tv together, or we don't do either ;). Whatever it is, I cherish this alone time, and I'm pretty sure he does too.

9:15-8:30 Sleepy time! Some nights Drew never wakes, while others he wakes once around 3am. Either way, this is the end and start of our day.

And that, my friends, is what I do all day.

:)

IG Shops...

Up until a month ago, Instagram was nothing more than an app on my iPhone that I could use to share an obscene amount of pictures on. That all changed when my good friend, Karissa, told me that there were shops on Instagram that had some pretty adorable baby clothes on.

I was immediately hooked, and became so obsessed with these shops that I opened my own. Whether you are a parent or not, you know how fast kids grow out of their darling clothes. Instead of packing them up or donating them, it's nice to make a couple bucks off of them by simply posting a picture on Instagram... Whoever started doing this is a genius! I have bought clothes not only for drew, but for myself as well, and have been nothing but pleased with what I've received. Do yourself a favor and go check out these shops, or if you are feeling adventurous open one yourself! Let me know if you have any questions, otherwise here is a list of my faves:


Baby Shops:
maxs_closet
liams_wardrobe (baby/toddler boy)
carterscloset (baby boy)
gapobsessed (cute headbands for girls)
lovedbyhannahandeli (custom leggings)
shopholeinmypocket (baby, boy, and girl)
dapperduds (baby/toddler boy. Some girl)
my_childrens_closet (baby boy & girl)
littleonesclothing (baby boy & girl)
paisleyjune (baby girl)
reinascloset (baby/toddler girl)
fromblakewithlove (baby/toddler boy)
girlwiththecurlshop (baby girl)
froufroubleu (baby/toddler boy)
paytons_closet (baby/toddler girl)
thedappermister (baby boy)
thevidocollection (baby, boy, and girl)
bahlbabiesclothes (baby/toddler boy)
shopmilascloset (baby girl and women's)
lemonsandlace (headbands/bows)
frances_bluebird (everything)
sugarhouseseconds (baby boy and girl)
theurbanowl (the cutest little girl and mommy headbands/baby boy bow ties)

My fave for myself:
raincitycloset (women's clothes/accessories)
mypolkadotshop (women's clothes)
shopmilascloset (women's shoes)

Love defined.

Over the past (nearly) 4 months, the word 'love' has been completely redefined and brought to life in ways I could never have fully imagined.

When I first began dating Andrew I fell hard and fast. After a few dates I began having strong, unfamiliar feelings towards him; feelings that my naive fifteen year old mind perceived as love. I'm not saying that I didn't love him or that my feelings were wrong, just that they were new emotions that my then-self couldn't quite figure out how to deal with or navigate through.

My teenage self believed love to be about power and control. If he did what I said, he loved me. If I did what he said, he'd never leave. This mentality did more bad than good to our relationship (surprise!) and the 'love' that we had became dangerous, volatile, really. By the time our relationship hit its all time low, there was a new change heading our way. It was time for Andrew and I to head our separate ways as I left for college, and as I said goodbye to him I knew that things with him would never be the same.

By the second semester of my freshmen year I had fallen in love all over again, this time with myself. Up until this point I had never realized how little I knew about the person I was...the person I wanted to be. I was nineteen, taking 21 units, and working full time at Victoria's Secret. My spare time was spent working out and hanging out with my girlfriends. I not only loved, but respected the person I was. I knew who I was and where I was going. My goals were clear as day, and, for once in my life, they did not include having a boyfriend. The best part of this chapter in my life was learning my self worth and how I deserved to be treated by others. Never again would I accept being treated poorly by anyone, and I credit that to these crucial years.

After the first year of college flew by, Andrew and I got back in touch on a regular basis, and, I immediately began falling in love with him all over again, but this time as a friend. It was apparent that we had both changed, and that was okay, great in fact. As our friendship grew so did my love for him. This time around love to me was so different then it had been before. It was acceptance, trust, and friendship. Acceptance of the person Andrew was, not of who I wished him to be or who I thought I could change him into. For once, I loved him for him and he loved me for me. Who we were was enough. Trust in the words we spoke and the love we had. And, of course, love meant having a friendship that was honest and fun. What had seemed so complex in previous years was now so simple and sweet. Though this love has greatly intensified and changed in slight ways, the foundation has remained the same from then to now (our 2nd year of marriage).

On December 11, 2012 love as I knew it was forever changed as a nurse gently laid my sweet boy in my arms. Seeing his eyes lock onto mine took my breath away. The love I felt that day and every day since then, is so intense, so overwhelming that it consumes my entire being. It's as if my entire existence before him had no meaning, no real purpose. The love I feel now is one that I will never be able to put into words, though I will spend my whole life trying. If I lost my sight tomorrow I would be content because I have seen my sweet boys face in front of mine. I have stayed up hours staring in awe, memorizing his every feature. The way his hair fights to form in the center of his head. The innocence and purity that fill his perfect brown eyes. The dimples that form at the corners of his mouth when he smiles. If tomorrow I ceased to hear, I would still smile with joy, as the sound of my boy laughing and cooing played over and over in my head. No matter what tomorrow brings, today with my boy brings enough joy, laughter, and love to last a lifetime.

Love has, and will continue to change throughout the years. But one thing that I know is that it only intensifies and gets better with time. I look forward to the years to come...

Suck it! (My breastfeeding journey)

Disclaimer: this blog is graphic and includes way TMI. I only know how to write openly and honestly, so proceed with caution. I love breastfeeding, but my journey with it was not easy or pretty by any means. If you don't want to read my story, just skip to the end for tips, advice, and my breastfeeding faves. Okay, here goes nothing....

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I had sweet visions of holding my precious newborn to my chest and bonding with him as he ate for the first time. Breastfeeding was never an option for me, it was something that I'd known I was going to do from the get go, and I looked forward to it as my due date approached. I prepared myself by taking a class at Clovis Community, watching YouTube videos on how to achieve a proper latch, and talking to other seasoned mamas about their experiences. The common themes I learned from my sources were that 1. breastfeeding is the most natural bonding experience between a mother and her baby, 2. if it hurts, it's because you do not have a proper latch, and 3. that it only gets better with time. Oh, not to mention that breastfeeding is a killer calorie burner AND you get to eat whatever you want, because you need those extra calories for your milk supply. I was looking forward to everything about breastfeeding, and didn't understand why in the world anyone would ever give their perfect, new baby formula. Well, I now know...

My first time feeding Drew was an incredible moment that I'll never forget. The hell we'd both been through (aka labor) faded away the moment I put him on my breast and he began suckling as we gazed into one another's eyes. Yes, breastfeeding was everything I had dreamed it would be and more.

The rest of the day went great, and I fed him every hour or two between visitors. Since I couldn't get out of bed, because I was recovering from a c section, I opted to sleep with the baby on my chest in a reclined position the first night (more skin to skin with my boy? Yes, please). I hadn't slept a wink in nearly 3 days, and was being heavily medicated every 4 hours, so when the baby would wake every hour to eat the whole 'proper latch' thing went out the window.

In the morning, my nipples were sore, and beginning to crack. I suddenly remembered the crappy latch from the night before, so I called in a lactation specialist that the hospital provided in hopes that she could 'fix me.' After showing her my latch, she said I was doing it perfectly and that it shouldn't hurt if I kept doing it just like I showed her. The only problem with her advice, and that of every other lactation specialist that I saw was that it DID hurt, even with the 'proper latch' I had mastered. It hurt every.single.time. BUT, at this point it was totally bearable, so I kept on truckin.

That night, another lactation specialist came in to see me one last time, since I was being discharged in the morning. I decided to ask, once again, if my latch was good, because my nipples continued to crack and the pain was getting worse. Expecting her response to be the same as all the others ('it shouldn't hurt. Blah blah blah), I was shocked when she let out a small chuckle and shook her head. 'Sweetie, it's going to hurt like hell no matter how perfect you're latch is. It's only going to get worse, but give it 6 weeks and it will start getting better.' Even though I didn't like what she had to say (6 weeks? Are you kidding me?), I was thrilled that finally someone was being honest with me.

My milk came in the day after I got home, and I remember smiling proudly as I looked at myself in the mirror. Quoting Ron Burgundy I yelled to Andrew 'Hey, come and see how good I look.' Yes, Rhea Parton had arrived.

***TMI starts here.***

By the time Drew was 4 days old, my nipples were completely cracked open and raw. My right nipple (which was inverted to begin with) was hardly recognizable. He was still eating every 2 hours on my raw, bloody nipples. It was disgusting. I called the lactation specialist to make sure I could keep feeding him with my nipples in the condition they were. She said no matter how bad they got to keep feeding him, and if I could, pump a few times a day to give them a break.

That night I had a major meltdown. I was depressed, sleep deprived, and in the worst pain of my life... The pain from breastfeeding made my c section incision feel like a paper cut. I was ready to give up, so I decided to call my good friend (more like a big sister), Janae, and without having to say more than a few words, she was on her way over. All I can say is thank God for her, because without her coming to the rescue that night, and numerous times after that, I would have been done breastfeeding.

Janae let me borrow her electric Medela breast pump, and talked me through everything. We concluded that night that I needed to stop taking the pain killers I was prescribed for the c section (they were making me seriously depressed), and that it would be a good idea to start using a nipple shield.

While I thought things would start looking up, they only seemed to get worse over the next few days. I discovered Drew was getting an upset tummy from dairy AND soy, so I had to completely cut it out of my diet (this still sucks). He wouldn't latch on with the nipple shield. My nipples were got so bad, they were literally completely open. On top of all that I got a ridiculously painful infection in my right breast called Mastisis, and had to take an antibiotic to help rid of it. Did you know that if you are taking any antibiotic while you are breastfeeding, you are prone to get a yeast infection that can be passed to your baby? Ya, neither did I until I started to get one. I immediately called my doctor and he prescribed a pill to take, which cleared it up before it got passed on to my boy. Since I had stopped taking all pain medication, my nipples felt like someone was taking a match to them all day, everyday. I hated breastfeeding. I hated that I hated it, but I did. There was nothing 'bonding' or 'natural' about it. In fact, I actually dreaded feeding my sweet boy. It.was.awful.

At this point the pain was unbearable. As I fed Drew, I cried and cried, thinking that I was alone in the house until I heard my husband on the phone. A few minutes later, he came in and told me that we were going to Fresno to see a lactation specialist. I thought the gesture was the sweetest thing, but I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay in my pajamas all day and cry. However, I decided that I would make this my 'last shot' at breastfeeding. If this lady could help me, I'd stick it out, if not, I was done.

As soon as the lactation specialist, Beth, saw my nipples (that were STUCK to the nursing pad with blood), she said that they were some of the worst she'd ever seen, and she was shocked that I hadn't given him formula (this made me feel good about life). Going to Beth saved my breastfeeding dreams. She introduced me to the My Brest Friend pillow, got Drew to eat with the nipple shield on, introduced me to nipples shells (instead of using nursing pads), and gave me a million tips on how to help them heal. I met with her twice a week for the next month, and things kept getting better and better.

After nearly three weeks of using the nipple shields I was ready to wean from them (cleaning them was a pain in the ass). Without the shields the excruciating pain was back (my nipples were better, but they were still pretty raw). By the end of the week, they were beginning to callous, and feeding was becoming somewhat enjoyable.

It was WEEK 6, that I could officially say the pain was nearly gone (just like the lady at the hospital told me it would be). In the beginning I could not picture breastfeeding ever getting easier, but now, 4 months later, I can vouch that it does. Now, there is no pain during feedings and I truly get to enjoy and appreciate the bonding experience that it provides. There is nothing that melts my heart faster than watching my perfect boy drift off to sleep or gaze lovingly into my eyes as he eats and fills his little belly. It really makes those late night/early morning feedings something to look forward to. Here are a few tips I learned along the way, and my breastfeeding faves...

Tips:
1. Don't give up. If it's really bad, give it 6 weeks, and I promise it will get better.

2. Use 100% lanolin after every feeding.

3. Go topless. If your nipples are cracked and raw, the quickest way for them to heal is exposing them to the air. Your husband will appreciate this. Oh, and don't forget to shut the blinds.

4. Invest in a good breast pump. Pumping sucks, but it's a lot better when you have a quick, efficient pump on your side.

5. Get the My Brest Friend nursing pillow. The boppy is good for other things, but fails miserably in comparison to the MBF when it comes to nursing.

6. Use a nipple shield if you need to. They were a life saver. Yes, weaning from it is another challenge, but it's not that hard.

7. Disposable nursing pads suck when your nipples are raw and bloody. Do yourself a favor and get the Medela Soft Shells instead. You can thank me later.

8. Consult the help of a lactation specialist if you feel helpless. Trust me, they have the answer for everything and will make sure you are able to breastfeed your precious baby, no matter how bad your situation is.

9. Lecithin. One of the reasons I got Mastitis is because of plugged milk ducts. Taking lecithin 3 times a day will help ensure your ducts don't get clogged.

10. Vitanica Lactation Blend, Fenugreek, and Mother's Milk Tea. I was always stressing out about whether or not I was producing enough milk. If you think you aren't producing enough, take 2 Vitanica Lactation Blend capsules 2 times a day, and 1 fenugreek capsule 3 times a day. Oh, and drink Mother's Milk tea at least once a day. So far, I've had plenty of milk.

11. Don't beat yourself up. If you really want to breastfeed and can't, it's not the end of the world. Formula is perfectly fine for your baby. If you don't want to breastfeed in the first place, that doesn't make you a 'bad' mom. Whatever you choose, or have to do, just know that you are a good mama. Never doubt that or let anyone make you second guess your decisions.

12. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you in your journey. My mom and Andrew begged me to quit and give him formula, because they hated seeing me in pain. If it wasn't for them and my friends supporting me and cheering me on, I would have given up. Having a good support system is half the battle.

13. Quiet you're mind by Zac Brown Band. My husband introduced me to this song during one of my many breakdowns. Like it says: Soak it all in, it's a game you can't win. Enjoy the ride...